Updates Part I: Happy Belated Halloween

Hey, y’all. I haven’t rapped at you in a minute, so I thought I’d bring you up to speed. After all, the end of October and early November were pretty exciting times. Halloween came and went. Then, America rejoiced as a cool black dude meted out a humiliating beating on an elderly war veteran nearly twice his age. And, through all these heady times, I was right there with you, drinking sometimes, hanging out with Tanya a lot, hating on people, and being a tired cranky old man, just like Jesus and the two sets of footprints in the sand, except when there was only one set, it was because I was at home watching Biggest Loser instead of hanging out with your dick ass. This season of Biggest Loser sucks, by the way. It’ll probably break this up into a few posts to catch up, so the first one will cover Halloween. I know some people would say the Halloween ship has sailed and it’s time to get current, but those people don’t all run blogs nobody reads.

So, Happy Belated Halloween.

A lot of people love Halloween: pagans, creative people, chicks who like to dress like sluts and dudes who like to see chicks dressed like sluts. The slut costume gets old and unoriginal really fast. Still, it has its merits. It’s easy to identify and you basically know what you’re getting, except for the fact that you think the chick will slay in the sack and she probably ends up sucking, because she only dressed as a slut because all her friends did, because they all think that’s what Halloween is all about, no longer getting candy, but getting drunk and looking like a hooker and smashing into some overcrowded bar or club and doing the walk of shame in a cheap nurse costume.

I think I’ve done dinner theater or some other odd job the past several Halloweens, or I just stayed in not caring, too lazy to figure out a costume. Once, I went to a party, no costume, and saw a girl dressed as Carmen Sandiego, the red hat and red trench coat, etc. I liked the fact that she was bucking the slut costume trend. Plus, she was cute and obviously old enough to think of being Carmen Sandiego. I was pretty drunk and we made out at the party. We went out a week or so later and I found out she was chubby, and she lived with her parents, and worked at a bank, and I never saw her again. I probably could have made out with an albino dressed as a cat at the party. The point is: going for the girl who shows a little creativity is cool, but figure out what you’re getting into. Didn’t matter to me. I just wanted to get drunk that night and I did. Also, there’s nothing wrong with a pretty chubby girl, per se, although I’m not a fan of bankers who live with mom and dad. Still, kids, remember there are only a certain number of years where you can wake up with a cheap slutty police officer costume next to the bed, and a cheap slut in the sack. Thank God, I have Tanya and don’t have to worry about all that.

Anyway, Tanya loves Halloween, and wanted me to get out of doing a show, but I couldn’t get out of it and needed the money. The upshot was Tanya ended up doing the show. She needed money, too. She had to play the part of the French Maid, so she got to dress up anyway. I did a button-down shirt, dress pants, dress shoes, and a blazer, which is a costume for my jeans-and-T-shirt-and-sneakers ass. After the show, we spent our hard-won cash on drinks at 6B, which was totally empty except for a few anti-Halloween sad sacks. So, it was awesome. I was tired and slammed down five or six beers in an hour and then ended Halloween by dressing as the Guy Who Couldn’t Perform Sexually. Decent. There’s some trick or treat joke in there somewhere, but I’m not sussing it out right now, especially since it’s almost the middle of November.

Awesome Beyonce costume! Work it girl!