We're on a road to nowhere - Part 1

It’s not a big secret that people in Boston love to hate the MBTA. I personally curse it daily, mostly because it sucks in every way possible. It also turns me into a total hater because the disdain I have for the T transfers over to the people who ride it. Sometimes, this is just me being a jerk. However, most of the time, hating fellow T riders is warranted. Let me list why:


1.) Mr. Backpack

This one is pretty obvious. Mr. Backpack is usually a white college student who came to Boston from either New Hampshire, Maine or somewhere where there are a lot of places to hike. He loves hiking so much that he will wear his huge, hulking backpack and hiking gear everywhere – even in the middle of the city where places to hike do not exist. You will see Mr. Backpack a lot during rush hour when he’s on his way to class. What makes Mr. Backpack so annoying is that he’ll walk on the T with his huge backpack on his back, thereby making it impossible for anyone else to get on the already overcrowded T. If you happen to be sitting down, get ready for a blow to the face by either the big silver carabiner hanging off the front of the pack or the pair of Tevas dangling from the bottom. Even the fortunate few who aren’t in direct contact with Mr. Backpack will get a nice whiff of B.O. which comes from his insistence on using only natural deodorant (which we all know doesn’t work).


2.) The Big Ball Krewe

Everyone knows that young urban males in their late teens have the world’s largest balls. How do we know this? Well, it’s pretty obvious when you see them sitting on the T with theirs knees so far apart that no one can sit next to them. I feel bad for them, I mean, if your area juts out so much that you have to sit spread eagled all the time, that must be kind of embarrassing, right? And what to do about pants?! Maybe that’s the deal with those insanely oversized jeans most of them wear.

Or, maybe their junk is just so great that everyone should look at it. Maybe there are secrets to be told if we would only stop and listen once in a while. Tell that disabled old lady to shut up, she can’t have a seat because this dude is on to something with that glorious basket of his. Seriously, I hope that these guys get some good porn jobs out in Hollywood, because with packages that huge, there ain’t no way that they should be poor.


3.) AssCreep Sally

Okay, I know that keeping oneself at a healthy weight is difficult. In this day and age, with all the time at the office and meals on the go, some of us get pretty portly. Yeah. I understand that.

But God help me, if you are a large woman who happens to have a humungous ass, don’t attempt to plant dat azz in a space that can only accept an ass of half your size. This is called AssCreep and I have coined the term to describe this rather gross and annoying predicament. Imagine, if you will, that you are sitting on the T and even though there is plenty of room to either stand or take a seat on the opposite side, AssCreep Sally has her sights set on sitting between you and someone else. Nothing will stop that heaving ass from squeezing into a space no larger than your purse. What happens next? Well, you and your neighbor end up stuck with some of Sally’s terrycloth stretch pants caressing (or smashing into) your thighs. Sometimes, Sally will be of the one shower a week persuasion, which makes the ride even more fun. Seriously Sally, stand up and burn some calories please. Thanks.


This rant was fun. I’ll try for some more after tomorrow’s commute back into the office.