Here is another rant about people who ride the T. I encountered most of these people today.
1.) Short Stop Jim
Short Stop Jim (or Jane depending on gender) is the person you always end up behind when you are running toward the T before the doors close. He’ll be running too, but what makes him suck is that he’ll either stop or almost stop once he gets on the train. We’re not talking about running into the train for a bit and then stopping. No, Short Stop will stop once he is about three inches inside the train. This causes you to either miss out on boarding since the doors just closed, or if you make it in time, you’ll most likely end up in a face plant to the back of Short Stop’s head (or backpack if he is also a Mr. Backpack type.)
Short Stop Jim really infuriates me because people who are oblivious to their surroundings and assume that they are the only ones trying to make the train fucking suck. The world is full of them. Listen, I always go all the way into the train when boarding it, regardless of whether the doors almost slam in my face. Why? Because I know that I’m not the only person in the whole city of Boston who needs to get on the T. I guess that makes me better than most people.
Anyway, Short Stop Jim is also related to Stonewall Bill. They are usually the same person, depending on the situation. I’ll get to Stonewall below.
2.) Stonewall Bill
Stonewall Bill is almost always a guy, although there are some Betties out there occasionally. Like Short Stop Jim, this douchebag automatically assumes that he is the only person who matters and therefore won’t be accommodating when the T is crowded. Stonewall Bill will get on the train and stand in front of the door regardless of the fact that more people need to bust past him while boarding. He’ll usually do this when there is plenty of room on the train, so moving in to make way for more riders is always feasible. Stonewall tends to be either a businessman or a foreigner and assumes that he is the only one who should be able to easily vacate the train when appropriate. Purposely smacking or running into a Stonewall when exiting the train is highly recommended. Seriously, you’ll win karma points back this way. Try it.
3.) The Flisp Coalition
I came up with the term “Flisp” to describe a woman who talks with a lisp. Lisps aren’t inherently bad, but when used by this specific type of woman, it is the most annoying, irritating, grating thing in the entire free world. The T boasts a lot of flisps, especially after work around 6pm. They tend to ride the train in large groups.
A flisp is usually in her 20’s or 30’s, works in Finance, sports designer purses (with the designer logo really, really visible) and hangs out with meathead date rapist looking men. Flisps like to appear non-threatening and somewhat unintelligent so they will usually talk to each other using questions rather than stating anything that might indicate that they think for themselves. For example:
Flisp A “What do you think of that new guy in accounting?”
Flisp B “I don’t know, do you think that he is gay?”
Flisp A “I’m not sure, did you hear what he said the other day after the meeting?”
Flisp B “Yeah. Isn’t that so crazy?”
And on it goes. Usually, you’ll hear the lisp in the middle of phrases, with an emphasis on words that end in ‘th’ or start with ‘s’. Depending on proximity, it’s difficult to tune them out, even with the loudest, most feedback oriented song you have in your playlist. If a group of flisps comes your way on the train, the best advice is to either go to the opposite side of the car or get off at the next stop entirely and walk.
